Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
