Me. At least after what I've been through.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
