Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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