her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
