It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
