Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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