I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
