You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
