Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
