I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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