it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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