I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
