Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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