Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
