I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
