i think my tv is drunk
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
