i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
