It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
