Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
