when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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