Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now