On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
