Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is