she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
