You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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