There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
