I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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