A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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