i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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