Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
FUCK WHALES
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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