pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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