Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
