It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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