I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
