He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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