I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
