I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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