kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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