Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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