Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
