Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
