Don't you send me to vm
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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