I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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