So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
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no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
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I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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