I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
