Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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