She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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