just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
operation harelip BJ is a go
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize