i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
