the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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