guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
