i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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