I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
