im having a threesome with these popsicles
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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