i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
