You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
