The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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