yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
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Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
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And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.