Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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