Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
